(a portion copied and pasted from early-mid 2011)
i can hold my own, and i’ve found a reason to keep the hope that i had let die.
I used to think that i would never be one of those girls who had it all: The trust and faith in God, where her relationship with him is strong and she can look to Him for everything. The self respect and esteem to believe in myself and go for what I want. the confidence to just go for something and stand up for what i believe in. The good friends and family who stay loyal and have her back and support her regardless the situation, to guide her in the right driections, and to love her unconditionally. The man who wants everything for her, who treats her like she’s precious and not tested like she’s guilty for everything and anything until proven innocent, who respects her and her parents, and shows them that he’s worthy of her, the man who will take care of her like a man should.
I am that girl. I am that woman. I deserve greatness because I can achieve greatness on my own.
i have all the right people closest to me. the right man next to me. and God above me.
i’m not the person i used to be. i’m good now.
What happened to me….
all the networking i’ve been doing has been through my phone, and all the interaction with computers i’ve had is at my jobs.
i miss e-mail, youtube, tumblr, facebook, bing, google, etc. on the big screen. it looks better. lol.
Peace easy tumblr.
I’ll use you, mostly, for entertainment purposes.
I live in the suburbs now. One things for sure, its different. Yea okay I know, Otay isn’t that far from “home”, but I haven’t really been down south since the move. I’m not gonna lie, I miss it. I miss the south. I miss being close(r) to my friends and my mom. I REALLY miss my dogs. Like to the point where it depresses me. Haha. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really going to be able to make out here on my own. I basically am AND I’m supporting Sysco. It’s crazy. I’m supporting THE BOTH of us. We moved in TOGETHER. Is this really happening right now? Am I really waking up next to him every morning and falling asleep with him at night? Is this for real? It sure as hell hasn’t sunk in completely. But it’s obvious to me that things are different. The honeymoon is over. At least that’s what I feel like.
All I do is work. If I’m not at wells Fargo bustin my ass, I’m at lakeshore busting my ass. I just worked 21 days STRAIGHT. And I am not gonna lie, I am tired as fuck. And I’m STILL broke. This shit ain’t no joke. I don’t have time to have a good time. I gotta think about where my money goes, How I’m going to survive for the week, how far and long I can drive because I gotta enough money for gas. God damn. And this is all MY HARD EARNED MONEY. Granted the fact that the majority of the things I took with me were bought with money earned by my parents and/or other people, but I’m for real relying on my own income right now. Is this for real? I didn’t think I’d see these days. The days I’m living on my own. My life right now is work home work. I don’t have time or money to be going out. I see everything for their monetary value now. I’m no longer purchasing plus or premium gas, I’m running on regular. I’m no longer in the salon every other week getting something done, I’m stuck doing shit myself. My long hair is due to the fact that I haven’t gotten a haircut/trim yet because I don’t have the time or
money for a haircut. A lot of my old spending habits have changed SIGNIFICANTLY.
All you females who got a man’s help in supporting you, don’t take that shit for granted. You’re blessed. I’m not saying I’m not blessed because I don’t have that, I know I am blessed no matter what. What I am saying is that I don’t understand how some bitches are stupid and don’t realize what they got when it’s in front of their faces. I’m sure whoevers reading this, y’all already know what I’m talking about.
Aw shit, this post is about to get real emotional haha.
Recently, I’ve learned a lot. Mostly about myself. I’m stronger and more able that I thought I was. And for that, I’m hella proud of myself. I had the balls enough to stand up to both of my parents and told them both how I really felt about their marriage. I had enough balls to tell my dad how I felt about his treating my mom. I had the balls enough to admit my wrong doing and actually find solutions to get myself out of the fear of not going anywhere. I chose to leave my house. After both my parents indirectly “kicked me out”, I took it upon myself to leave that environment. I weighed the pros and cons and realized that the struggle would be worth it. Leaving meant paying for everything ON MY OWN. I knew that leaving would in fact be hard on me, but I also knew that it would make me stronger and I could gain the independence that I so far longed for for a long time. It’s hard out here. But I’m still blessed. Thank you God for getting me to where I am. Even though I find a different struggle everyday on top of the obstacles I’m already facing, I know that at the end of the day I’m still blessed.
In addition to that, I’ve also come to different “maybe’s”. I’m not sure yet if I’ve come to accepting some of my fates because a part of me still wants it to be different. Maybe I’m not meant for marriage and children. Maybe I’m not meant to know the feeling of actual security. Maybe I’m meant to just be my own support. It’s not like I don’t know how to be by myself. I’m an only-child. This alone thing is not something I’m not familiar with. I know it too well. Maybe it’s not in God’s plan that I have the happily ever afters that others are blessed with. But that’s okay. I accepted that life isn’t anything like a fairy tale not too long ago. That’s just how it is. Maybe all that shits not for me. Some people work/ed hard for what they have. And for some people, fortune is handed to them. I, unfortunately, fall into neither of those categories. My parents worked hard and I was given all the things I needed to grow and live. And I thank them tremendously for everything. But I knew that being everything being given to me has a lesser value then when everything I have has been earned. I want to deserve what I have. And if I don’t have much, then I don’t deserve much. I’ll work for it. Whatever it is, I’ll deserve it.
If someone comes along and sees in me someone they want to spend the rest of their life with, then thank you God, I would have finally proven to myself, someone else, and God himself that I’m worthy. The trend seems to be that I’m just not that kind of girl. I meet standards, I just don’t surpass them. But you know, at this point, that’s something that I don’t know if I want to be working too hard for. As much as I want someone to fall head over heels in love with me and want to spend the rest of their life with and have raise a family, I’m beginning to think maybe it’s not for me. God’s either telling me I’m not ready for it or that it’s not in my plan.
I’ll never know.